Unholy Shit!

Here's a snapshot of my life. I've been out for a curry on a Saturday night. I'm sat in my living room with my lifelong friend Eli who is visiting me for the weekend from Liverpool (we're going to see Stephen Stills, veteran of Woodstock, play a gig on Monday). My middle son, Martin (14), has been to see "Mirrors" at the cinema. For the first time ever, (and he's been watching horror films since he was a nipper) he's genuinely shitting himself. He was disturbed by the images he saw in the film. So, me and Eli are giving him loads, taking every opportunity to exploit his fear, having a right laugh at his expense. It ended with me singing the MJ classic, 'Man In The Mirror' and sniggering.

Marty walks into the living room, cool as a cucumber, wafting his hand behind his arse. A micro-second later, we realise he's farted. And then it kicked in... The most unholy stench... Eggy... in the extreme... Moments later, me and Eli are gagging, bawking, coughing and wretching... More moments later I'm puking... Into my mouth... I stagger to the back yard and spray puke onto the floor, just in time to see Eli has staggered to the back yard before me. This one fart has reduced two grown men into shivering, puking, wretches at the back of my house.

At the end of this couple of minutes, Marty walks back into the room, with a wry and triumphant smile on his face. So pleased was he with his one-up-man-ship that he began to call his friends to tell them of his powers.

So there you have it... Now for just one moment, close your eyes and savour your life. It's far greater than mine!