Hospitales #3: Nurses who are bitches...

#1. The Shaving Nurse: This one wasn't really too much of a bitch, I guess she was just a tactless tw*t. As part of my operation 'prep', I had to shave my legs (in case they needed a vein from there), my chest (obviously), my arm-pits and the crease between my pubis and my thigh. This is not so great at any time, but this was the night before my op. and I was shitting myself. The reason the shaving nurse is on the list is because a.) She insisted on kneeling in front of me whilst I did it and b.) She allowed the anaesthetist into the bathroom to "say hello" whilst I was bollock naked. The last thing you want whilst standing naked with microscopic wedding tackle and shaven legs, is to have to shake hands with a stranger.

#2. The Puking Nurse: One drug side effect I did not mention last time was a day of constant vomiting straight after my op. I also had to try and eat/take medicine and hold it down. I knew I had to time each tablet right, so I could keep it down long enough for it to take effect. When it came time for the evening meds, I was due a sleeping tablet. I asked the nurse if I could wait till I felt less sick before I took the sleeper. "No, no, you'll be fine!" she chimed, and made me take it. Of course I puked it up straight away. So I asked if I could have another as I really needed the relief of a good night's sleep. "No, certainly not" explained the nurse "It's very strong medicine, we can only give out one a night..." AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!

#3. The Stone Cold Bitch: Two days after my op. I was moved from the intensive care unit to the medical ward, without passing through the high dependency unit, which I was supposed to. I had four vistitors, and no chairs by my bed, except the one I was to use when they were changing my bed. I asked one of my sons to sit in the chair and a nurse flew out of nowhere to tell me that was for patients only. I explained that this was my son, and I was happy for him to sit on it, as I was lying on the bed. She started to go on about rules and procedure. I started to argue back in my drug addled state and said that it was 'my chair' and I wanted my son to sit on it. I know at one point I used the word "f**k" or "f**king", because the nurse sent for the ward sister to speak to me. The ward sister was very sympathetic to me, however, and very unimpressed that my first impression of the ward was an over-officious nazi-nurse who was more concerned about rules and regulations than ensuring her patient's well being. She went home in tears that evening, presumably after being told to prioritise what any person with half a brain would understand was really important...

Now normally I would hate to see anyone in trouble 'cos of me. But I'll be honest, she made me shed a few tears of rage and frustration, I wasn't devastated to see her shed a few over her mis-management of my care.

Hospitales #2: "Drugs are bad... Umkay?"

I'm hoping that this series will not be a long one, as I'll be very happy to put this whole time behind me. I was chuffed to see Barry here, as well as J. One because Barry is almost single-handedly keeping the SJY alive, for which I am eternally grateful. J is one of my blogging heroes, and FKWS was always intended to be something like J's place (It isn't because J's is SO MUCH more of a professional affair. "Hospitales" was meant to be like "J in Japan", although with much less interesting subject matter!

Mr. Sonnyboy has been there for me on a number of occasions, and along with BJ is someone I consider a true friend, despite never having met in 'real life'. So as soon as Junlee, Gnome and Nebacha get here, I got all my homies in the hood, and it's all good.

However, dissecting this heart op. experience is what it's all about, so I guess I'll get started. First of all I'll explain what's been done. My chest has been sawn through, to allow access to my right aortic valve, which has been replaced by a plastic one. If you put your fingers below your 'adam's apple', you'll feel two bones, called (I think,) your clavicle(???) Well the first weird thing was for me to feel one bone in that space. They've fused the two together whilst closing it up! Clever, but odd nevertheless.

So you can imagine they needed some heavy duty drugs to get you through that... And despite seeing the pain off quite effectively, the side effects were horrendous. But I'm getting ahead of myself....

My current year of poor health, started when I fell down the stairs rushing to get to work. I dislocated my shoulder and on that occasion, the nitrous oxide (laughing gas) administered was just great. It took all the pain away and I was stood laughing and joking with the nursing staff whilst my shoulder jutted unnaturally into my field of vision.


This injury led me to a couple of months of heavy boozing, with no work to get up for, and I reckon that's what led to my heart condition (which I was born with) coming to fruition at 42...



That lead to me having to give up drinking which I stupidly really got annoyed about. I now wish I hadn't pissed so much of my life away, but hey you live and learn! But again, I digress...

This actually shows both Morpheus (the god) and the actual size of my 'old feller' for most of my stay in hospital, ha ha!

This time, the major drug used in anaesthesia and pain control was morphine. (You know, Michael Jackson's 'droug du choisir'...) I have no idea how anyone could use this shit for any length of time. Famously used for patching up wounded WWI soldiers so they could struggle on fighting, and also named after Morpheus, God Of Dreams, this drug is one I had never really experienced (And believe me dear brothers I've done 'em all....)

First of all, lets get onto the minor side effects. Increased body heat... Hot, sweaty, palpitations. Itching, intense itching of hands and feet. UGH!

Visuals: Whilst my eyes were open, I just saw the normal ward. Eyes closed? Immediately the scene was replaced. This is when I would 'see' the patients and staff that had filled the wards before. VERY scary. Other than that I would see vast landscapes of wires and tubes, electrical cable and strange patterns, a little like this:




Movement: I've experienced auditory and visual hallucination before. They don't phase me. But at one point I was sat in a wheelchair. When I closed my eyes I would feel myself 'whizzing' off. Open them and I was sat right in the same place. Close them and 'wheeeee!!!!' off I'd go again. Not too bad actually that one.

Bowel movement: Opiates bung you up. I just took my first #2 in a week... I won't expand on that, ha ha.

Penis size: On my proudest most 'upstanding' moments, my willy would be about nine inches long, at rest, maybe about five or six. In hospital after morphine, literally about one and a half, to two. Certainly shorter than my pubic hair which I actually wet whilst weeing. When you're at a low ebb, the last thing you need is for your John Thomas to start retreating INTO your body.

So there you go! Horrible, horrible stuff! Next time, nurses that are b**tches!!! (Few and far between I hasten to add....)

Total Eclipse Of The Heart

Well folks, I'm off into hospital again today, this time for major heart surgery. (Ho hum...) Yes it's the replacement of my right aortic valve, with a plastic one. They did in fact offer me a pig's one, but apparently they only last about twenty years, and I'm a vegetarian anyway, so, um, "no thank you" was my response to that one.

So I'm anxious about how it's going to go. They have to stop my heart for about four hours, putting me on a 'heart/lung machine' whilst they hack up my ol' ticker. There's a 1/50 chance that I won't come out of the op. and a 1/50 chance I'll have a stroke. Nice odds huh? Still, there is a 100% chance that I'll snuff it if I don't have the op. so it's a no brainer really.

On a positive note, I'll be looked after by a top team in hospital, the ever gorgeous and wonderful Mrs. K is being a superstar and will be taking two weeks off to look after me when I get out of hospital in approximately two weeks time. Plus, apart from gaming and blogging, I won't be able to do much else, so hopefully that wil encourage me to update this old place a little more.

So, in short, if this is the last post I make, may I just say how much I've loved meeting my fellow bloggers and gamers (you know who you are), how much I love my wonderful family, Mrs. K, and the 'three gingers', Joe, Mart and Ted. Three songs I wish played at my final send off will be "Will You Be There?" (MJ), "No woman no cry" (Bob Marley) and "Ghetto Gospel" (Tupac). I am, however, rather hoping this will not happen for about twenty years or more, ha ha!

Take care peeps! I'll be seeing you...